Questions that ask a former employer to describe a specific past event, in order, with dates attached. Not "was she reliable" but "walk me through the last morning she was late, what happened and how did you find out." A parent who liked their nanny will answer the first question with a warm adjective that tells you nothing. The same parent will answer the second one honestly, because you have asked them to remember rather than to judge.
The other half is who you are talking to and how you open. Half of a bad reference check is a reference who was never verified, or a call that started with a summary of how wonderful the candidate is, which tells the person on the phone exactly what answer you are hoping for.
What follows is the call structure that produces usable detail, in the order you should run it: verify, establish facts, go behavioral, press on the three areas families care about, read the hesitation, and write it down while it is fresh.
Verifying the reference is who they claim to be before you begin
Do this before the substantive call, not during it. It takes four minutes and it catches the small number of fabricated references that would otherwise cost you a placement.
The check has three parts. First, does the contact information have an independent trail. A phone number and a first name from the candidate is not a trail. A LinkedIn profile, a company directory listing, a property record, or a professional website is. Second, does the number the candidate gave you match a number you found yourself. Third, does the person answer in a way consistent with being a parent rather than a friend performing a favor.
A useful opening line: "Before we start, can you confirm your full name and the address or neighborhood where the candidate worked for you." A real employer answers instantly. Someone reading from a script hesitates on the address every time.
If the number goes to a personal cell with no independent trail and the reference cannot name the neighborhood, treat it as unverified and ask the candidate for another. Say that plainly. Most candidates will produce a better reference immediately.
Keep reading: Why do so many of my placements fall apart in the first ninety days of the job?
Opening with dates, hours, and duties to establish factual ground
Start with questions that have single correct answers. You are doing two things at once: confirming the candidate's employment history, and setting a tone in which specifics are expected.
- What month and year did she start, and what month and year did she finish.
- What was her regular schedule, days and hours.
- How many children, and what were their ages when she started.
- What was she responsible for besides the children.
- Did she drive the children, and in whose vehicle.
- Was she paid hourly or on a salary, and did she have guaranteed hours.
Ask these before you have shared anything the candidate told you. Then compare. A three month gap between what the reference says and what the resume says is usually a memory issue. A two year role that the reference describes as eight months of summer coverage is something else entirely.
The pay question is worth including even though it feels intrusive. It is where you learn whether the household paid legally, whether the candidate has ever worked with guaranteed hours, and whether her stated salary history is real.
Behavioral questions about a specific incident rather than general traits
This is the pivot the whole call turns on. Trait questions produce adjectives. Incident questions produce evidence.
Compare the two columns. The left is what most reference calls sound like. The right is what produces something you can repeat to a family.
| Trait question, weak | Incident question, strong |
|---|---|
| Was she good with the children? | Tell me about a day the children were difficult. What did she do? |
| Did she take initiative? | What is something she started doing that you had not asked for? |
| Was she a good communicator? | How did you two handle it the last time you disagreed about something? |
| Was she trustworthy? | Was there ever a time you had to raise something with her? How did she take it? |
| Would you recommend her? | What kind of family would she thrive with, and what kind would she struggle with? |
That last question is the most productive one in the set. It gives a loyal former employer a legitimate way to describe a limitation without feeling like they are hurting someone. You will hear things like "she needs a family that is decisive," which translates cleanly into a matching criterion.
When you get an adjective, follow it with "can you give me an example of that." Once. Not twice, or the call turns adversarial.
Keep reading: What paperwork does a family legally need signed before a new nanny starts work?
The illness, lateness, and discipline questions families care most about
Every family asks you some version of these three. Ask them directly, and ask them in a form that assumes the thing happened, because it always did.
On attendance, do not ask whether she was ever late. Ask: "In a typical month, how many times did she arrive after the start time, and how did she let you know?" The framing gives permission for a real number.
On illness: "When she was sick, what did she do?" You are listening for whether she gave notice the night before or texted at 7:10 a.m., and whether the family had backup or a paid sick day policy. Household employers in several states are now covered by paid sick leave laws, so this is also a chance to hear how the household handled a legal obligation.
On discipline: "What did she do when the children would not listen?" Then the follow up that matters: "Was that the approach you had asked for, or her own?" A candidate who adapts to the household's method and one who imports her own are both placeable, but not with the same families.
The one about the last day
Ask "how did the job end, and who raised it first." Endings carry more signal than any other part of a nanny's history. A role that ended because the youngest started kindergarten sounds nothing like a role that ended with a two week notice on a Friday.
Reading hesitation, hedging, and the rehire question
Close with the rehire question, worded so it cannot be dodged: "If your circumstances were the same today, would you hire her again, yes or no?"
Listen to the shape of the answer, not just the content.
- Immediate yes with a story attached. The strongest signal available. Genuine enthusiasm arrives with detail unprompted.
- Yes after a pause. Sit in the silence. Do not fill it. The qualification usually comes next.
- "She was great with the kids." A redirect. She was great with the kids and something else was not great. Ask about the something else.
- "I would rather not get into that." Respect it and note it verbatim in your file. Then ask one narrow question: "Is there anything a future family would need to know for safety reasons?"
- Only dates confirmed. Sometimes that is a policy, particularly with agencies or corporate households. Sometimes it is a message. Ask which it is.
What you must not do is talk your way past a hesitation because you like the candidate and want the placement to work. That instinct is exactly what a hesitation is for.
See how NannyMatchDesk handles this for nanny and household staffing agencies
Documenting the call so it is defensible if the placement fails
Write the record as facts and quotes, not conclusions. "Reference stated candidate was late roughly twice a month and always texted the night before" is defensible. "Reference had some attendance concerns" is your interpretation and will not help you.
A complete record holds the date and time of the call, the reference's full name, the number you dialed and how you verified it, the relationship and employment dates, your questions and their substantive answers, the rehire answer verbatim, and anything the reference declined to discuss.
Keep it attached to the candidate record rather than in your notebook. Two years from now, when a family asks why you presented a candidate, the file is the answer, and a file that shows you asked and recorded the hard questions is a very different document from a file that shows nothing.
What to do when a family offers only friends and relatives
Do not refuse the call. Take it, label it accurately, and then ask for what you actually need.
A character reference from a friend confirms tenure of acquaintance and general reliability. That is worth something and it is not an employment reference. Record it as personal, not professional, so nobody later assumes you verified employment you did not.
Then work the gaps. If a candidate has three years with a family that has since moved abroad, ask for an email address and send the same structured questions in writing. If she worked through another agency, the agency will usually confirm dates. If she worked in a daycare or a preschool, the center will confirm dates and title even when it will not discuss performance. A pediatric CPR certification, a verified driving record, and a current background check do not replace a reference, but they narrow what remains unknown.
And be honest with the family. "We have two verified professional references and one personal reference, and here is what each one covers" is a stronger position than presenting three names as though they were equivalent.
Making the calls repeatable
The difference between a reference check that protects a placement and one that decorates a file is structure: verify first, anchor in dates, ask for incidents, press on attendance and discipline, and write down what was actually said. Build the question set once and run it the same way every time, so you can compare candidates against each other rather than against your mood on the day.
NannyMatchDesk keeps the reference log on the candidate record, with the verification status, the questions, the quotes, and the rehire answer stored where your next search can find them. When a family asks what you know about a candidate, you read from the file rather than from memory.
